Wednesday, September 14, 2011

lifted pain

When it comes right down to it there is little in this life we have control over. For instance I can control what I put on the page but I can't control other peoples perception of what I write. There are no keys for inflection on the key board. I wish I could say life was beautiful all the time but in reality it's been pretty ugly. A month ago when I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis all I could see was either a life full of extreme pain or a brief healthy existence followed by a long drawn out ugly painful horrific death leaving my family scarred and my daughter alone. Terrified and huddling against the dark I made the choice to take the medicine. My body has responded well and though I run the risk of lung, liver and kidney damage, and have a 2% risk of lymphoma, the initial response has given the doctor an optimistic hope that we can get my auto immune disease to go into remission. I have been able to move better and my appetite has returned. I no longer have to save up my energy for one event or chore scheduled for that day. Now I can do the dishes, crochet, laundry, and write all in one day without feeling wrung out and demolished. The worry that the medication will damage me is a distant worry that I constantly have to hand over to God. It sneaks up on me every day niggling at the back of my mind like a rat. But I pray a lot more now.

With my vigor returned it is my hope to begin my old yogalates routine. Of course that means cleaning up the living room first. Reclaiming my house from the clutter that tends to accumulate is not easy. I'm in that stage where the mess simply seems to migrate from this room to that room without really shrinking but shrink it does. Vacuuming is enjoyable again and the routine of life feels fulfilling instead of like a death march, a struggle against the feeling that my joints are ripping themselves apart and the depression over having to move like an eighty year old woman instead of like a thirty year old woman. With the increased activity I'm having trouble hydrating. It seems I cant get enough to drink but I have a Britta filter and pink lemonade mix. I also have a juicer and I intend to add soup to the menu at least once a week.

I need to learn to cook for one because Kay eats so little and I cook so much one dish can end up feeding us for a week. I have tried a few new recipes that turned out nice but made way too much. I'm amazed I can stand at the stove and cook for long amounts of time without wilting into a puddle and crying after. The pain is nearly completely gone. I'm making lunch for Cassandra every day though she says she doens't have time for the elaborate lunches I want to make for her. She is stuck on turkey and cheese sandwiches and a soy based mayo that doesn't have any egg (I'm allergic). She also likes Activia yogurt... go figure. I am hoping to start making smoothies for breakfast. I have all kinds of breakfast stuff but she has only wanted one thing so far. I'm going to try getting up earlier to get her fed something more substantial that just... dry cereal.

The book is nearly done. One more run at the ending and we should be celebrating my success by this time next year. I hope everyone out there will lift a glass in my honor when the good news breaks.

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