Friday, July 30, 2010

Summers lament


I can't get more depressed and stay breathing! My husband lost his mind in January and didn't budget his tiny paycheck for things like THE HOUSE and EVERY OTHER BILL WE GET! Yes I'm freaking out, yes I've already started thinking of ways to fix the mess. He has asked his mother for the money she was in charge of which does several things.

a) it gets the elephant out of their non-relationship
b) It gives us the money power to fix the giant mess
c) if anything else comes of Clay's absent minded professor spell we will be prepared.

I wish he hadn't asked for all of it but that was what he chose. Now I'm going to have to spend a day talking to bankers about things so very far outside my sphere of experience in order to keep his money growing. I'm not sure how much longer I can live under these strained conditions. He's not anything like the man I fell in love with. He was never the same after having to live with his mom for a year after college. He came out of that deeply changed. I miss the person I fell in love with the one that is really like having a second brain. He thinks of things that I miss and takes care of things. But this lasts a day maybe and then it's months of this uncharacteristic sloth and it's like he's two or three steps behind mentally dragging his feet. It used to be when he would get a call from family he'd have two weeks of moping and then be more or less fine but it just kept getting worse and worse. I tried everything I knew of to stop the abuse but it just kept going. They either don't understand the effect they have or they don't care but I'm tired of watching him deteriorate. This last, this putting my only inheritance in jeopardy has pushed this relationship to the absolute breaking point. My trust is shattered, Mom is freaked out she wants to buy the house to keep the property from being taken away.

This house is all I have left of the ranch. The ranch meant more to me than to anyone else. No one gets that. No one gets that after a day of the kids (a whole classroom of them) telling me how stupid and ugly I was, enduring the harassment from the teachers, I'd come home and Dad would get in his jabs about my being so full of shit my eyes were brown and then I'd endure homework with mom. She loathed homework and I couldn't do it myself not with my dyslexia making reading like stringing beads together to form words and then sentences and then paragraphs. I just couldn't hold that much information in my head all at once. After all that mental and emotional beating I'd go outside and spend the rest of the day and on into the night being free. Free to experience all the wonders of life. Free to see the real miracles that happen every day. It was the only place to regenerate the strength to face the next days beating. Ugly, stupid, worthless, friendless, unwanted, weird, unlovable were words I heard on a daily basis. The only person to tell me otherwise was my mother. For years I thought she only told me that stuff because she couldn't bear to tell me the truth. She loved me too much to hurt me with the truth. I thought she was sweet, wrong, but sweet. Clay was the next person to call me other than ugly. There have been, since Clay and I met, only a handful of people who called me otherwise. Three women stronger than steel, who I know can withstand pretty much anything, and three men. One one who shared secrets with me and two who played games with me.
I miss them and I miss the ranch.

I wish there was some way to go back but there isn't. I wish I could go back because they asked me many times if I would come back. But here we are because for whatever reason, we are not done here. I may rail against God because being here has been less than good for me but His plan is in place. Just wish I knew what it was.

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