Wednesday, January 06, 2010

'Angry' doesn't even cover it!

Remember when I said it couldn't get any worse? Yeah. Clay was laid off from west new years day. So instead of confiding this to me and sticking around to work things out he vanishes to his mother’s house, wasting money on a bus ticket trying to figure out why she doesn't love him or whatever, meanwhile I'm still trying to figure out how I can crochet or write or clean or sew fast enough to put together enough original merchandise for an Etsy shop that might fuel at least the grocery bill. Every time he comes back from running to her he falls into this funk of not wanting to work and only wanting to do things like watching movies and surfing the net and sleeping till noon! Not thinking about anything real or meaningful or even helpful things, kinda like his mom, all superficial and no substance. I know part of it is probably ADD but without a diagnosis there is no way to tell! Without insurance there won't be a diagnosis.
From the day Clay brought me home his mom made every biting comment she could think of to show she was extremely bitter about his choosing me as a girlfriend and the sabotage didn't stop even after we were engaged. Why do I think this? Hmm, let me see there was the comment she made to my mom about wanting him to go out with the tall red head girl in his class. There was the acidic look she gave me when I said I usually didn’t like Mozart and then the frost bitten tone she used when she asked me what composer I did like as if I wouldn’t know good music if it slapped me with a raw fish. Beethoven, I said and she had the grudging look as if I’d turned out to be smarter than the average dog. The constant pushing forced us out of Corpus where we were trying to build a life in a place we loved and then LATER forced us into a Justice of the Peace ceremony when what we wanted was a wedding! I've had to endure every back biting comment that woman has had to say about me, my mother and even ABOUT CLAY! What kind of a mother says to her son’s future mother-in-law "Oh I'm just afraid he's going to use her (your daughter) up and throw her away." What kind of human being SAYS that about their OWN child??!! I thought that brand of evil was restricted to daytime TV. Not once have I seen or read anything like that line out of a MOTHER'S mouth in any other aspect save daytime TV! So Clay runs to her trying to understand his own head only to return with restored venom for Kay and me. That haughty self-righteous superior attitude he beings back like he’s so much better than us and it’s all our fault no matter what his part is COMES STRAIGHT FROM THAT HORRIBLE HUMAN HE CALLS MOTHER!
 The things she says to him draw lines pitting him against us. For instance "I don't think she (Noel) ever felt like I accepted her." Sounds nice doesn't it? Oh poor Barbara has been misunderstood by the evil daughter-in-law. Okay lets look at the next one shall we? In reference to Clay's absence from socializing with his family she said, "I never understood what was going on. I never knew why you would disappear. I never knew if that was her (noel's) ultimatum to you." Really accepting isn’t it? No? This matches what she asked me on the phone when I basically, politely of course, told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. She asked if she could still see her son and I said, “That’s his choice to make not mine”. As if I had brainwashed him! I tried many times to get Clay to take a weekend or a sick day to go hash things out but he always put it off because he knew the first half of that time would be taken up by the guilt trip for his not calling and writing and basically being her lap dog. HELLO it's called being a husband! So I supported his staying away because that was what he was doing and I didn't want to push him into anything he was uncomfortable with as his discomfort was already causing problems.  Lets look at number three on the list of recent slams. "Is she supporting you?" After pouring all 40 thousand dollars including the money set aside for KK's COLLEGE, the IRA, the savings and working any number of horrific jobs to keep us afloat I think that question might be more than a slap in the face. He knew before we were engaged that when I had my baby I was staying home with them. I'm the reason he can get a job in the first place! Mom taught him about interviewing I taught him about interoffice relations. What did Barbara teach him??? NOTHING! That's right she pulls him outta Corpus where he actually knew people and had connections, without a "by your leave" and plunks him down on her lap because she wants someone to talk to but harps on him constantly to get a job in a city he doesn't know. Where he has Zero connections. Oh any job will do as long as you are bringing in the cash, she didn’t care. He wasn't even given the right to make his own plans without running them by her first. He invited me over several times only to get the 'you should have told me speech.' So he was living there but he (at 26) had no rights of his own. So yeah I think making the assumption that Barbara never accepted me is pretty dead on. She wasn't finished with him and I was a monkey wrench. What did she say when I put the wheels in motion to get us out of our parents houses and into a place of our own? She says to mom “Maybe she can do something with him.”
So after visiting the Horror show he comes home and downloads all his animosity toward her on US. He takes things from Kay without a word as to why and then, when Kay explodes upset and angry ready to fight for his respect, he expects Kay to say please and thank you!! He treats her like she doesn’t matter, her feelings her emotions, like he can do what ever he wants to her, her things, without a please and a thank you from him. Where is the man I married, Protective and not sneaky and passive aggressive? Where is the valiant father that would do ANYTHING for his baby girl including 2 am feedings and diaper duty? Why can’t we have some FREAKING insurance!!

I've had it cleaning up the emotional VOMIT that he brings home from talking to THAT WOMAN and I'm not putting up with it ANY more! I encouraged him so many years that if he had a beef with her to go and hash it out until it was finally over and done with and they either came out friends or parted ways forever, but I am SICK and tired of the constant festering I watch him go through after his talks with her. Fed up with the lines drawn by that woman to DELIBERATELY sabotage my family! I watched so much of him slip through my fingers begging God to stop whatever it was that happened to him when he goes to those dark places. Why? Why is she such a poisonous effect on him? WHY can't she see past her veil of narcissism to notice HIM for a change? Not to make more disparaging comments about him and me and everything else she thinks is wrong with his life but to take an interest, Neigh, a Concern about what in the hell might be going on inside the tiny frightened boy that lives inside this 6 and a half foot giant! Well after years of trying to repair her DAMAGE to his self-esteem I've HAD IT! He doesn't come home recharged! He comes home to sulk and stew over a comment I’m sure she thinks was just a throw away line. He always eventually does something drastic like not paying bills, or using up all the savings! I don't know what he's gonna do this time because there isn't any money to DO IT WITH!

Never in all my years under Jeff’s tyranny or even when my own mother’s physical fragility threatened to take her from us, have I EVER been this terrified of what was going to happen next! I can't go back to work because my earning power is only barely enough to cover the astronomical childcare fees that my absence would incur.

I’m turning thirty in two months and I had thought that we would be able to have a big party with everyone we know and have food and fun and games but instead I get to give up the only thing I’ve asked him for in five years. I scrimped and saved and cut out things like drying clothes in the dryer (something he went right back to when I went back to school) in order to make his pay check fit with our lives but there is no reward for saving. He used everything instead of looking for a job right away after being let go at Rey Rey. I said, “well take some time to recuperate from working two jobs you deserve it” I didn’t mean take 8 months of slacker time. I even gave up going to Moms club things where we had to pay anything because I wanted to be supportive. All I wanted was a thirtieth that celebrated me for a change. I don’t ask for jewelry or fancy restaurants because I know we can’t afford it. I shop at Goodwill for clothes because I don’t want him to feel bad because we are STILL in the “starving artist” phase when both of us expected to be done with it by now. I even give up going to school I gave up Dallas for Delmar and then worked at that horrible phone job in San Antonio for months so he could “stop depending on mom for money” while he did nothing to get a job. He never filled out a single application instead working on another short film. I even mended the fence he obliterated with a brother team in California who for whatever reason didn’t receive his work and then never heard from him again. They were going to ask for the money they had paid him, which we didn’t have. It meant months more work at no charge but once I got him back in touch with them and acted as taskmaster (another distasteful job) his work spoke for itself. I even spent three thousand dollars of my-very-own-not-to-be-touched money on a truck not worth a hundred in order to bale his brother and his wife out of whatever jam they were in only to find out they had already borrowed a HUGE sum from … yep you guessed it… MOMMY.  Sorry if it was a secret but I’ve had it with the underhanded double-dealing this “Family”, so called, has to offer!

I’m finally, FINALLY putting my foot down. No more! I never wanted to get involved in this mess but I am forced to intervene now that it is affecting my DAUGHTER. She is all I have left and the constant barrage of self-esteem whittling comes to an end. If they contact him without my knowledge again I'm getting restraining orders. If he wants to see and associate with the reprobates he calls family (HA!) then he gives us up for good. How’s THAT for a line in the sand!

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