Monday, December 28, 2009

Well we barely survived the semester... I can't even remember what spring looked like last year... I remember a lot of planting and failing. We are broke. Christmas dinner turned out nice. I'll post on my foodie blog about what I made. I was gonna start with Thanksgiving but Clay let me sleep in, again, and cooked it himself. I had to explain that the cooking was the best part, the one thing I looked forward to all year and he did it for me. I keep telling him if he put half the effort into "sparing" me work and finding work of his own (around the house or in the art business) that he would be more successful. The problem is he doesn't like work and so avoids it like the black plague. We (and by that I mean every immediate member of my family) are convinced he is A.D.D. Mom suggested it over the summer when his behavior started to change for the worse. Then I went back to school and he promised to take care of KK in the mornings so I could study and then enjoy my time with her in the afternoons on. Instead he began picking fights with her daily. He never had anything positive to say to her it all started with "stop, no, don't, can't" and KK is a fighter so she fought for his respect. Things got worse the longer I was at school. It started out fine with him taking Kay to kindermusik every week and hobnobbing with the moms at moms club in the mornings, but his behavior deteriorated into ... well into his mother's biting attitude. Things he'd promised to do because I can't like washing dishes and taking care of the floors and bathroom were left undone other chores began to stack up and no matter how I put it he simply ignored me and spent the morning watching movies instead. I even suggested a second job so that we would at least have enough money to take care of things but he wouldn't look. I wanted him to cook things here if he was going to be the one to get the alarms and wake every one but he always wanted fast food and you can't do fast food four days a week on 1400 a month. I said he didn't have to cook I'd take the time to cook if only he'd keep the kitchen clean but he would let the dishes stack up and cover the counter until there was hardly a dish to eat on. We even bought a portable dishwasher because we didn't know what was wrong with the one we had so he didn't have to do them by hand and he still stacked them on every available surface until I'd scream at the top of my lungs for him to get busy or get out! The weird part was he WASN'T AWARE of it no matter how many times we tried to help him correct it he just got worse! So again the suggestion was made maybe he was ADD. So he took test after test online and all of them came up positive. I have to wonder how neglectful do you have to be not to know your SON has a difficulty? 

So we start the new year with maybe 200 dollars all totaled. No savings no safety net. He's ruined us financially and I can't go back to school and leave everything for him to drive deeper into the ground. I can't go to work because I wouldn't make enough to cover child care costs. So I'm turning to what I can do here. I feel betrayed and trapped. My heart is so broken it is the finest powder and instead of beating it just dribbles out bit by bit. When my aunt and uncle in round rock found out he'd spent over half the money I got from my stand off with George Staples (my dad's brother in law lawyer)They were shocked and angry. That money was mine by right because I'd stood up to George the king of settling out of court, the cold hearted bastard who was trying to convince everyone the trust was void because Dad hadn't signed it yet we had paid taxes on it and by golly I wasn't backing down and let him buy us off with just a pittance. To my family it was money untouchable and that he needs to pay it all back. That if I wanted they'd help me sell the house and move to Austin and get set up with a home and a job and a school for KK. The rest of the money I'd put in the house to keep him from spending it but he won't help me take care of it. Clay always said he wanted a house in town with children and all the trappings but he won't make enough to pay some one to help fix things and he can't fix them himself so my only remaining asset is deteriorating. I am more than tempted to take their suggestion after the semester KK and I had. The way he has treated KK has completely broken my trust and faith in him as a husband father or even a man.

I had promised that I would stick it out until he was diagnosed and put on medication but since he is dragging his feet on even getting insured he may make up my mind for me. I can say that my family never asked why I was still with him. They understand all too well that you love who you love no matter how mismatched. This was neither the life he promised nor is he the person I know he is under it all. After 15 years of wishing and wanting and trying to get to the real him I'm at the end of what I can take in terms of failure. I had hoped so hard that his mother's influence would cease once she was finally out of our lives but he carried it with him, too far poisoned to be free. If there are mothers reading this I beg and implore you treat your sons with care and concern. It is you that determine their path just as fathers determine their daughters.

But it seems nothing I say either matters nor is heard by anyone or anything that does not take it with a grain of salt and say "pooh pooh" that it is all in my head. Well, I no longer care what anyone else thinks of me and how I am because they don't know me at all. Their judgments are outside who I am. Even when you love someone deeply you never really know who they are unless they are ready and willing to be totally honest with you. It is only when two people are honest with each other that you actually get to know one another. I know of four who have been so generous as to be open and honest and it grieves me to say that my own husband is not one of them. I pray to God whether he hears me or not that this changes.

However since the new year approaches and there is no place to go from here but up I will drink it in with sparkling apple juice and feast with my family as it is and hope, always hope, That next year brings with it the wonders of prosperity and changes for the good. To anyone who reads this humble blog, I hope your Christmas was merry and that your new year is filled with happiness.

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