Sunday, March 30, 2008

March 30, 2008

The end of my month draws to a close bringing us within a month of K.K. turning 2. It’s surreal to think that a whole two years will have past. I watch her grow like an unchecked plant bolting to the sky and testing its spindly stalk against the high winds of life. The blue bonnets are in bloom and the air is sweet with fulfilled promise. Life seems sweeter in the spring (after tax season).

Kay K has discovered that if she skips her nap she can catch that afternoon burn right before crashing. You remember that feeling of feeling so full of energy that you could just explode? I remember running till I couldn’t run, jumping and leaping until my legs refused, spinning until the room spun with me and then lying down to watch the ceiling spin until I closed my eyes. The dark would sway like an ocean and I’d drift into a state of perfect quiet. Sometimes instead of spinning I’d jump on the trampoline stretching high into the air, twisting, twirling and leaping, flipping, flying and flopping until I’d flop on my back and stare at that perfectly blue sky. I’d half close my eyes and watch the dust motes that got through my lashes slip through the layer of tears to the sides to be swept away in the morning after a restful sleep. At that age there is barely a moment when you walk from point to point without anything interesting happening; a butterfly crosses your path, a flower catches your eye, a wisp of hair brushes your face or someone asks for your hand. Your sight is flawless and everything is crisp and wondrous. You’re loved and you love. There is little else that concerns you.

Tomorrow I get to ask about a school that appeared in Brazos Best. I’m by no means tired of being a stay at home mom but Clay’s promised year of double jobs is nearing it’s conclusion and we won’t be able to save any money if I don’t go back to work. The school is one that partners with a dance studio and the instructors come to the school. We saw some of the pre-k and k students perform Saturday at the Kiwanis pancake breakfast. Kay K could hardly contain her joy and leapt and danced on the side to each song. A boy around her age joined her and she danced with and hugged him. I am hoping that their program isn’t following the suit of so many others and switching activities every 15 minutes. Kay K has a much stronger focus and a greater attention span than that. I’m going to apply for a job with BISD and leave it in God’s very capable hands. Clay wants to get his certificate this year and teach art. I’m hoping that God guides us to the right places and people to get our life pulled a little tighter together.

I know Kay K is ready for school. I know that I’m not ready for her to go to school. I remember vividly the killing fields of the playground and the joys of friendship, the hardship of learning difficulty and the triumph of a job well done. I know that her experience will not be anything like mine because of different time, place, people, schools and parents. Still the fear is there and I have to remind myself not to let it rule me and make my decisions. “She’ll be fine.” I say to myself all the while biting my lip and trying not to imagine an entire day without her. This is much, much worse than the first time I went out with Clay without my baby. Then I was only gone from her for two hours, she was in the very capable hands of my mother and I would be within reach if they needed to call me back. This is an entire day while she spends time with not only a “stranger” but also a person who has to split their attention 15 other ways at least. It scares me no end but it is a private institution and spoken of very well.

At this juncture I might as well give up my manicure equipment because I’m going to be chewing my fingernails to the quick for a while and this time it is about something far more precious than money or anything money can buy.

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