Tuesday, March 07, 2006

March 7, 2006

March 6th was my 26th birthday. I’m not sure but I think I feel a little older… maybe it’s just gas. We celebrated early with a trip to the Bargain Blitz, a charity garage sale thrown by Bryan’s elite woman’s club. Then after a moments respite we dashed off to see Aquamarine, a kitchy little film based loosely on the little mermaid story staring Jo Jo. Then after hot dogs and pickles and pink lemonade we headed out for pie at must be heaven. After that we needed a walk and a nap. Then we called Mikey and we all went out and spent my gift certificate to Cenare, an Italian restaurant in CS. We went home and Mikey visited with us for a while. We talked about all the recent Drama we’d been through with some family members and then a friend of ours. He said it made his life look boring and dull.

I said his looked like whimsical fun in comparison from our side. His coworkers through parties and go out, something I never had the chance to do. Not that I’m a big bar fan… or even an alcohol fan for that matter. Oddly enough the most frequently I ever drank was once a week while living in SA and working in hell for the devil’s phone company. Gina would bring the vodka and we’d stock orange juice and passion punch for screw drivers. Even then I’d only enough to get a gentle buzz (1 ½ at most) and in my own home with Clay and Gina, playing cards and dominos at 7:00am on a Thursday. I miss the games and the laughter, though I could take or leave the drinks and the apartment was intolerably small.

I love where we are now, the house not the town. The town has never been my favorite place because it seems like the hospital of the soul. We’ve had more crap come raining down on us and deep dark secrets exposed here than EVER in my life time of 26 years, 1 day. Things have happened to us here that have changed our lives. This is where mom and I underwent big changes in our relationship, changes that drove us apart and had to be repaired. Clay and I have discovered things we never thought we’d ever go through alone or as a couple. In one year the hope of having children has been snatched away and given back to us. Our relationship has been put under a microscope revealing secrets. All the things we’ve gone through have tested our strength as human beings, together and alone. Cassandra has stabilized a lot in our lives. It’s shown us what we can and cannot tolerate as a family, a couple, and as parents and people.

Parenthood is the end of any coolness we might have had and yet we are completely okay with it. There are moments of intense fear over the challenges parenthood will bring and moments of untold joy as Cassandra makes leaps and bounds in her development. We can’t wait at the same we want her to stay right where she is, safe and warm. We’ve taken a long hard look at the stuff in our lives and made hard calls concerning our safety and security, because if we can’t do it for ourselves then we won’t be able to do it for Sandy when she really needs it.

We’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with the house. Ah the joys of ownership even if it is only 40%. The room we picked out for Sandy has a big window and lots of potential. Painting is next and then arranging furniture so that it is all ready for her when she gets here even if she will be spending the first few months right next to our bed with us peering over the edge of her crib to watch and make sure she is breathing all night. That first week will be a sleepless one indeed. The slightest “coo” and we will be wide awake checking her to see if she is too hot, too cold, too hungry, too full, too sleepy, too awake, too bored, too busy, and then whether or not she needs changing, a story, a song, white noise in the back ground, a burp, a rock, her mobile turned on, a walk, or to be left alone. These are the thoughts that send us into a semi panic mode wondering if we have everything she will need. The people at the classes have assured us that we will be unprepared for the job and yet we will do just fine anyway. Clay and I still have doubts.

As we look around thinking ahead to when she is crawling we begin to think about all the shelves and safety equipment we will need and the nagging thought that if she just stayed in the womb she would be safer than out here where she will inevitably discover that she likes eating dust bunnies or bugs or something else that will give us heart failure. And then of course we have to plan quality time. Mommy and me, mommy and baby yoga, trips to the park with Dobby (pronounced like doggy with b’s instead of g’s), trips to mom’s house, Ladies Day Out for manners, Daddy’s Little Girl Time (think paint and drums), and socialization with other children her age. That last one worries me a bit since other peoples’ kids are going to be different and you get the occasional biter in among them. It’s a GIANT job and there has to be down time in there somewhere.

Free time is a thing of the past and I’ll be lucky if I even remember my birthday next year.

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