Tuesday, November 15, 2005

November 15, 2005

Well I learned something about myself that. I’m not suited to a life of lounging and pampering. I’m not suited to the life of a princess being waited on hand and foot. I’m a working girl. Since the time I was a baby before I could talk I was a thinker and a doer, a mover and a shaker. I was always busy being busy. Then I learned to walk and got even busier. I was never one of those TV watching, food shoveling, teens. I was an outside-till-the-moon-shone-pretending-reading-climbing-and-walking teens who had a problem being cooped up inside. I even played out in the rain in the summer. I was the kind of friend who went places, planned things, got together with others to do stuff. So pampering and lounging isn’t my thing. Neither is this city living. I’ve been cooped up in the apartment since Thursday. The most I’ve done was take a car ride with a friend from out of town to a Wendy’s nearby for a salad and a potato (mmmm). I’m even thinking of planning the Thanksgiving dinner (not that I will be able to make any of it).

Last week was so hard and emotionally crippling on all fronts. Melody found out that the girl who died in the accident on Sunday was the daughter of her Cousin’s new husband. She was a relative. Saturday was the day my friend had to bury her husband. I was supposed to be there for her. I wanted to be there to tell her that things wouldn’t always be this bad and that I’d help however I could. But I can’t even get off the couch. I feel useless, to my friend and to my baby because I have no control over what my body decides to do. Then Thursday’s bleeding and emergency room stay, yikes, what an ordeal just for them to say bed rest but there is nothing you can do. I’m glad thought that Amy (my doc) said that the odds of miscarrying Sprout are slimmer than the odds they gave us thought she wasn’t sure just what the exact percentage was.

Clay has been so attentive and my family is so supportive. The trauma of the emergency room really took it out of all of us. Learning that an eventual miscarry was almost certain nearly destroyed me. I lay there, my eyes wide and my mind trying to stay calm. It took me four tries before I could get out the question “what do we do if I start to miscarry?” because all I wanted was to keep our Sprout. My healthy little Sprout that kicks and learns and grows inside me couldn’t depend on me to keep him/her safe and that tore my heart out. When this child is born it will be a miracle beyond miracles. This will be the largest of miracles given to me and my family. And it hurts that my child should teeter on the edge of life and death while my friend buries the love of her life.

I wish that this life on Earth wasn’t quite so hard for us to deal with. I wish we weren’t quite so fragile but at the same time it is things like this that makes the time we do have so very precious. It makes our memories dearer than jewels, money, or gold. There is no replacement for the love of your life or your children you love or the close friend who sticks by you through it all. So many people touch our lives and those that make a good impact we wish were with us longer and those who leave us feeling less for the experience we tend to avoid. In the larger sense of life what matters more (to me at least) are those who I care about. My friends aren’t perfect nor would I ever ask them to be because it is their flaws that are endearing and their triumphs over those that make them so noble. I care about them not simply because they care about me but because we have shared pains and pleasures, disagreements and understandings, moments of untold joy and times of the deepest despair. These moments have made us more family than friends. We are careful with each others hearts because they are both spun glass and steel, breakable and powerful.

Clay and I have decided on the names. If it is a girl child her name will be Cassandra Kay and if it is a boy child his name will be Jacob Matthew. We are unsure weather we want a boy or a girl, all we know for certain is that we pray for a healthy safe baby. Sprout is a fighter just like mom and dad are. We’ve overcome hardships from the inside and the outside, both as a couple and as individuals, but always together. That is how it should be, an equal partnership built on love and trust. I just hope that our Sprout learns the valuable lessons we have learned just getting here to this time in our lives. I can’t wait until after the New Year. I will feel better once Sprout is big enough to survive on his/her own. I’ll be less nervous about getting up and moving around. After thrice being told to stay in bed I’m about to stitch the covers over me. This is a scary time but I’m hoping God will keep our Sprout safe.

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